Something bothered me tonight at work. Have you ever felt like you have been backstab? Well, i feel like this right now. Let me explain.  I think i'm caring, helpful, kind, nice, and sweet person.  When my work ask me to do overtime i usually say yes when i can because i know the patients need me and i know that if i were in that situation were we were short staff it would "suck".  I always put myself in somebody else's shoes, even though at times i don't want to.  I tend to do something extra.  Well this time it happened, were i made a mistake and it was exposed, and i was acknowledge by it.  I don't mind being acknowledge, but at the same time i was only trying to help. Plus it was not really completely my fault. Think about it, i stayed overtime to help out, i made a mistake, which i thought i was covered, but instead it was handled a different way. How do i feel? I feel bothered because of what i was trying to do. I felt bothered because it could have been handled in a better way. I feel bothered because i felt like i was backstab. I feel bothered about my mistakes. I feel bothered because i covered a lot of people and i don't get the same treatment. 

At times i ask myself? Am i too kind? Am i too cool? Am i too helpful where i can get myself in trouble?  All this are mind boggling. Sometimes what you do to others are not seen and is perceived a different way. This shouldn't bother me, but it does.  What can i do now, nothing. Moved on learn from it, and stay strong. One thing i know, everybody makes mistakes, just don't make the same mistakes.

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December: This month i even worked so much that i worked on christmas eve and 16 on christmas day at the nursing home.  At that time, i did not mine because i know as a new employee and nurse i had to pay my dues to get certain days off.  I never complained and just went about my days and work.  I took it day by day never counted how many straight days i was working.  One of my weakness is i tend to get sucked in on working overtime.  I dont know if i can not say no or sometimes i think that im just too nice.  Although i'm trying to improve on that because i think i'm working too much and i can feel the fatigue physically and mentally.  But i did spend time with my family over the holidays, it was a traditional holiday.

January:  New Year was celebrated in my house. A new year and a new job for me.  I got a job offer at Rancho Los Amigos County Hospital and i accepted it because ive always wanted to work at Rancho since i was still doing my clinical rotation as a student.  I actually applied since September, but was never called until now. Anyway  I was working 2 jobs at the nursing home and at Rancho.  I wanted to challenge myself again and keep myself busy.  I've been working since i was 16 years old and since then this is my 2nd double job and im only 23.  Ive worked hard and a lot.  I had orientation at Rancho for one mth until February so it wasnt that difficult. So once again, my schedule was so busy. I was working everyday and some days doing 16.  Honestly, i wasn't happy even though i was piling up money in my account.  I realize here that money can not buy happiness.  I take a look back at the people in the Philippines, they don't have any money, they don't work, they are poor, and in need of financial help but they are happy.  Life here in America is just the reverse.  I was not happy because i felt like work took my time off from my family, off my social life, off my hobbies, and other things that made me happy.  I knew that this was just going to be temporary and had to give up one of my job. I experience that the more money you have the more stingy you become.  Money is an addiction. I rather have the balance in my life with having just emough money but still have time to do other things at the same time.

February: I resigned at the nursing home.  After a taste of Rancho i decided that it was a better fit for me.  I found Rancho a place where i can grow and learn as a nurse.  Not that i didnt learn anything from the nursing home, but i wanted to advance my learning and skill level and Rancho offers it.  Plus it's a county, so i have plenty of good benefits.  I left Briarcrest in a quite way.  I didn't informed everyone about my departure, because i was not happy with the workplace anymore.  It was getting so bad that i just want to leave peacefully. I disliked the DON in my previous job that my stress level was so high that i was suffering.  However, i had no regrets working there.  I believe that Briarcrest made me a tougher and stronger nurse to start. I learned from several mistakes which made me a better nurse.  In my profession, if you are just in it for the money, you wont last.  I have experienced it several times that the job and the stress level surpasses the money.  I double doubt myself sometimes on why i became a nurse. Despite all the stress and hard work i have put into, I LIKE BEING A NURSE. I think i have all the characteristic of being a good nurse, this is probably why god allowed me to become who i am now. 

March:  There were several competency check-list that I needed to do at work for county requirement like: CPR, code blue, vent, tracheostomy class, new-grad class, and several in-services.  So this month I had to focus in with work.   I took some classes they offer a to learn new skills and prepare myself. These classes took a lot of my time. See nursing is a continuos learning, no matter if you are a new grad or you’ve been a nurse for 30 years.  The skill level and knowledge requires update and or changes. I’m the type who thinks that if I don’t learn anything new everyday I consider my day as a failure. Anyway, you can tell that I have no life, because I continue to write about work, hehe.. I also believe in the say of if you are not challenge you are not growing.  Let me tell you more about my work.  I work at one of the challenging and toughest unit at Rancho.  But I like it, I don’t complaint and if I do its very rare and due to fatigue.  I like to be challenge because is where I learn the most.  I like to learn because it makes me a better and intellectual person. Many of my peers has told me that I act and think older than my age.  One of the reason I think is because I’m the youngest at work.  All my coworkers are well beyond my age so just being around them contributes in my maturation quickly.  I’m well accustomed to being around people who are older than me, and when I’m around people who are my age group I tend to stand out due to my maturity.  I have several friends who call me “ate” and we are the same age.  I have many mentors, admirers, to whom I seek, listen for advice, request for guidance and help.

I know i have not written a blog entry since August 2005. Time has passed and a lot of things has happened in my life and career.  Today i will take some time off my busy day to write this journal because i feel like i need to share this and reach out.  I will write about all the past events only, feelings, thoughts in a monthly basis.

August:  I was in the Philippines, spent 6 weeks there with my families, friends, relatives, and love ones.  That was the best time of my life so far.  It was truly a much needed vacation for me.  I visited Boracay, Camiguin, Cebu, Manila, Davao, and Mindanao.  I almost toured the whole Philippines in my time spent there, all things i planned to do when i was there was done except for palawan and bohol, which i plan on visiting on my next time back.  I love philippines, i would go back there anytime if money and time permits. When i was there, i partied, i toured, sightseeing, swam, traveled, attended showbiz shows in manila, everything that you do during vacation.  I love to travel, some say that when i travel im a different person, but i dont think so.  My approach are different when im traveling because i value life and i want to maximize my youth.  I believe in the saying of live life everyday because life is short. While in the Philippines, i found out that i had passed the board exam, which is one of my biggest accomplishment and success by far.  At this time i didnt want to think ahead what my career is going to be like, because only one thing in my mind is: to have fun and treasure this moments.

September:  I came back from Phil. around the 2nd week of the mth.  Then reality hits, we all feel this way after a long vacation, but we have to face it.  I then started to think where am i going to start my nursing career?  I began to apply everywhere and within one week i got a job at a nursing home.  At this point i did not care where i start because i needed the experience first.  I worked hard and a lot, piling up overtime and sometimes 16 hrs. It was a new career and profession. I was overwhelmed, i was a new grad, i was scared, i was learning, growing, worried to make mistakes and all this was mind boggling.  All this was mentally exhausting.  The anxiety and transition phase to being a nurse can be draining and i felt it all.  At this point until the end of the year, i had lost touch with friends, hardly see my family, lost my social life, lost plenty of my hobbies and interest like: my fav tv shows, entertainment news, working out because i didnt have any time to watch tv or do anything else besides sleep and eat. I felt like i had no life.  Which was true, but working so much turned me into workaholic.  This is the reason why i took my 6 week vacation to the Phil. before i start working because i knew that once i start working i get so caught up and will turned into a workaholic.  I do have an addicting personality at times. During this phase, i have learned a lot about myself and my career, so i had no regrets.  I rarely regret things because i love to learn and i see life the same way.  You become a stronger and better person because you made mistakes and learned a lot from it.  If i do regret something it usually is 100% my fault and i move on.  I'm a positive person, i live in the current time and not what's in the past or future.  I dont like to think about the future because i might get dissapointed.  Sometimes i do see myself in the future but that's natural instinct. I set plenty of goals for myself and i have high expectations.  I dislike to think about the negative past because i know i can not turn back the time, so i dont dwell. But good times are always remembered and carried within me.

Hello and hows everyone! Recently since my last update, i have been studying for board exam. I took it 2 wks ago and it was so difficult, i really dont know how i did. Hopefully thru GODS prayers i did well. I should be getting my results in a few weeks. Other than that i'm also preparing for my trip to the Philippines this mth. on the 21st.  I will be there for 5 weeks just to vacation before i start working again. The rest of my time, i go to work sometimes and just spending my summer, working out now (playing tennis and running). Besides that, nothing else.

Ciao...